I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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