My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
