I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
