Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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