Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
