Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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