I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
