Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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