you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
