I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
