I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
