if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
