: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
