halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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