I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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