I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Welp...herpes.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
