I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
