your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
