I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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