I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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