i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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