she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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