apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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