my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I am available for nakedness
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
