my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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