I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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