I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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