I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
