She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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