if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
