I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
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