My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
