I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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