Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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