You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
