the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
