I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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