On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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