I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
