I think my vagina is haunted
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
