i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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