Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
