Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
