Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
