My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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