i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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