I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
