Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
