I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
