Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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